Conscious Ageing is my profession, and that brings a wonderful benefit; my own life has become my primary research field. While a surgeon can never operate on themself, I have the opportunity to examine my own life situations, viewing them through the lens of Conscious Ageing. What greater art could there be than nurturing meaningful, mutually beneficial relationships that bring us contentment and happiness? This is especially true when the person involved is a lifelong companion, in my case, my husband.
How can we understand and use Conscious Ageing in our relationships?
There is always an individual aspect to Conscious Ageing. We can think about caring for our physical, mental, psychological, and spiritual health, as well as our personal ambitions and professional development (which, of course, can also influence our relationship). However, there are other parts of our life where we need to collaborate and find consensus with our partner if we want a content and happy relationship in the long run. Typically some of these areas are housing, financial sustainability, or certain aspects of professional ambitions (eg. moving to another country).
Do we ever really plan for our older age, and create a vision of what we want?
I believe that taking time to consciously reflect and create a tangible, authentic vision is crucial, both for ourselves and for our relationships. We need an inspiring vision to give us the strength, enthusiasm and perseverance we need to navigate through our often monotonous, task-filled, problem-solving daily lives. A shared vision can guide us through the uncertainty and unpredictability of the future.
When the Netherlands went into lockdown in March 2020, I couldn’t have anticipated that the coming months would provide our marriage with the opportunity to closely examine our 26-year-old relationship. Yet, this is exactly what happened. Due to the lockdown, our sport activities abruptly ceased, prompting us to quickly seek alternatives. Opting for daily walks in the nearby Amsterdam forest seemed like an obvious choice.
Our initial intention was to maintain our health, but our daily walks quickly evolved into a deep process of couple-therapy. With the safety and the support of Nature we could openly and honestly reflect on our previous years. Twenty-six years is a long period in which much has happened and changed. We encountered significant changes, both individually and as a couple. We had two kids, we changed addresses, jobs, professions, countries, and we’ve gained significantly more gray hair.
Our daily two-hour walks for over 20 months (at least 1200 hours) provided us the time and space to reflect on our shared life, celebrate our achievements, let go, mourn our losses, and contemplate our future. In these natural surroundings, our walks allowed us to discuss the most challenging, sensitive, and painful topics openly, and with love and care.
We had the time and the space to reflect on and evaluate (individually and as a couple) our “midlife existence”. Happily and with some surprise, we acknowledged that despite the many lows and crises, we are still deeply in love with each other and mutually expressed our wish and willingness to stay together and create a common future. This was definitely a prerequisite to build a shared vision.
First, we dreamed of our future life including our older selves. We discussed what we envisioned for our future selves; what we want and where we want to be. We systematically applied this approach individually and as a couple. Our personal and professional ambitions have changed tremendously since our early thirties. The creation of the Hekate Conscious Ageing Foundation was already a part of my personal and professional rebirth but my husband was yet to go through this self-inquiry and “re-design” process.
We decided where we saw ourselves in old age. This was a critical decision in our Conscious Ageing journey because living in a more expensive European country requires different decisions when it comes to financial sustainability and housing. We’ve been contemplating a community-living project for many years, but now we analysed in detail – for the first time – what living in a community would mean for us on a practical level.
We addressed the topic of our still fit yet ageing elderly parents living in our home country, our friends scattered around the world, and other relationships that have been built with time, attention, and energy. Social relationships are precious capital that, like physical and mental health, need to be carefully nurtured.
We found the courage to discuss some life scenarios we might have want to avoid, but needed to address. What happens if one of us becomes unwell, or even worse, passes away? What if, despite all our efforts, we end up separating. Going through the worst-case scenarios helped us to readjust our initial vision.
I can imagine that reading about this process may seem dauntingly serious or uncomfortable, but in reality, these were overwhelmingly positive, joyful, and meaningful conversations. While walking (and burning significant calories 😊) we were gazing at the ever-changing forest, observing the Scottish Highland cattle, and witnessing the energetic lives of families of geese and ducks.
“Vision without action is a daydream”
Drawing from my personal insights and from working with clients, it’s clear that when we create a vision, then plan and commit ourselves to realizing that vision, we are better equipped to implement it more consciously and efficiently.
This is what happened to us as well. We made important decisions we’d been postponing for years and we managed to carry them out over a couple of months. We took significant steps towards long-term financial sustainability and professional goals. I’m sure that these conversations helped us to smoothly handle our eldest child’s unexpected wish to move out and start an independent life.
Can we execute our plans and realize the envisioned future in our old age or not? I’m unsure.
Our vision is just a tiny drop in the ocean of global crises, filled with unpredictable societal, economic, political and climate changes. No vision can guarantee or even predict the future. But that’s not the purpose. A vision essentially influences the present. It supports us in living in the present with our own responsibilities, capabilities, and resources. It helps us to understand that our decisions and choices affect the unpredictable and unforeseeable future ahead of us.
If you’re interested in exploring ageing further, whether through individual therapy sessions or joining the Unfolding program starting in March, please reach out. As a Gestalt Therapist specializing in ageing, I’m here to offer professional guidance and support tailored to your needs.
Hekate 